The Joys of Attachment Parenting

I thought I was an amazing parent when Aidan was born. Without knowing that what I was doing had a name, I was practicing attachment parenting. I just did what came naturally to me. I did go back to work for a few hours a day, but he never had a drop of formula and most of the time he was with myself or his dad. When he was with me, I carried him everywhere. He slept with us. He was sleeping through the night (intermittently) by 2 months and pretty consistently somewhere between 6-9 months. But what I thought were my amazing parenting skills may have had more to do with the personality of my child than my skills as a parent.

I treated my other two babies the same way. Lilly started sleeping through the night around a year and Matthew did not sleep through the night until he was 20 months and that was only because I was in the hospital and he stayed with my parents for a week and he was forced to wean earlier that he wanted.

A recent article in The Atlantic noted "The Perils of Attachment Parenting," the author assumes that to practice attachment parenting you must ignore your own needs. I have found that, for me, it is the opposite. For me, the benefits of attachment parenting far outweigh these perceived negatives.

Co-Sleeping

She pointed out the dangers of co-sleeping by linking to another article. The article states "....Epidemiologic studies have shown that bed-sharing can be hazardous under certain conditions. Bed-sharing might increase the risk of overheating, rebreathing or airway obstruction, head covering, and exposure to tobacco smoke, which are all risk factors for SIDS."

"Under certain conditions." Dr. Sears and other co-sleeping advocates give explicit instructions for creating safe co-sleeping conditions. The benefits of co-sleeping, when done safely, can be great. Research has shown that babies startle less in their sleep, maintain more consistent body temperatures, have better breathing patterns, and more steady heart rates. Dr. Sears' article references a number of scientific studies on the benefits of co-sleeping.

With my first two children, I never felt sleep deprived. By co-sleeping, I was able to get more sleep each night. I did not have to get up to feed my hungry baby or comfort a scared baby. Both Mommy and baby got more sleep. I slept more and better when by babies were with me in bed. I found myself waking less to be sure they were breathing if they were lying next to me. I could feel their heartbeat and breathing and movements.

I followed all of the recommendations I could find. I slept in a long sleeve shirt so that I did not need a blanket to cover my arms. I kept pillows away from the baby. I did not consume alcohol or take medications that made me drowsy. If I did need to take a cold or allergy medication, I put the baby in the bassinet beside me. We don't smoke, so that was never a concern. For a full list of safe co-sleeping guidelines read this article by Dr. Sears (they are at the bottom, but the article gives some great information on SIDS and co-sleeping that should be considered.)

Self-Soothing and Putting Themselves to Sleep

Ms. Jenner states that "Babies will often put themselves back to sleep if they're given the chance—but these children never get the chance to self-soothe, to calm themselves down, one of the most important tools a child can develop at an early age. I know eight-year-olds who can’t go on sleepovers because they can’t leave their mother’s bed." 

By being with me, I think my children learned to self-soothe better than without me. None of my children took a pacifier. I tried with Aidan, he was fussy in church when he was a few weeks old, I was not confident nursing yet, and church was almost over. We tried to get him to take a pacifier and he refused. We tried a few more times over the next weeks and he never wanted it. So we never offered it again. At three months he started sucking his thumb. He put himself to sleep by sucking his thumb for 6 months and then just stopped. He no longer needed it. Neither of my other children ever needed a pacifier or a thumb to suck. They each found their own self-soothing methods. 

Yes, they needed me. I held them and they nursed when hungry or upset. Matthew (my youngest) reacted very strongly to his first rounds of vaccinations and the only thing that soothed him was nursing and rocking, all night. Those are the only days that I felt sleep deprived. 

Has using me for comfort created co-dependant kids? My kids are all confident and fairly independent. Honestly, I think they are more independent than a lot of kids their age. They love to go to friends' houses, they enjoy sleepovers, they are very social. 

Having never gone to school (we homeschool), I was a little concerned about dropping them off at day camp this summer. I knew that Aidan would do fine, he is almost 9 and his cousin was going to be in his group. They are nine months apart and best friends. But Lilly is 6, and she was going alone - no friends. She did great! She missed me, but she did not have any homesickness. She made friends and had a blast. They both want to go back next year. I would say that my children, who spend 95% of their time with one or both parents, are well adjusted and independent. 

Putting the Kids' Needs Above My Own

When you have a baby your life changes. If you are used to a life of partying all night, you do have to give up some things. There are times when a child's needs must come before your own. When the baby is sick, you may have to change your plans. If you can't find a babysitter, you have to take the baby/child out to dinner with you or stay home. You may miss out on events that are not kid friendly if you cannot find a babysitter.

In those first few weeks, the baby does need to be held and fed and changed regularly. It may even feel like you are constantly caring for the baby and ignoring your own needs. In reality, the needs of the baby help force mom to take care of herself. Nursing on demand and holding the baby constantly in those first few weeks are actually very good for mom and baby. 

Nursing helps release hormones that helps mom's body recover from birth. Plus, holding and feeding baby makes mom sit down and rest. You may feel like you are giving up so much by sitting and holding the baby - your house becomes a mess, you can't take a shower. (Although, this never was a problem for me. I passed the baby off for 10 minutes and took my shower. Dad can soothe a baby too and it is important for dad to bond with the baby. If I was home alone, I put the baby in the infant carrier or portable swing and sat them in the bathroom. I could talk to them if they got upset. Sometimes they cried, but usually the sound of my voice was enough to keep them happy for 10-15 minutes. It was even easier with older siblings to talk to the baby!) In reality, this constant care of your child is forcing mom to get the rest she needs immediately after childbirth.

By holding the baby while I ate (and sometimes nursing while I ate) I always got to eat dinner while it was hot and fresh. You get to be quite adept at doing anything one handed. As they got older, I learned the art of distraction. Put the baby in the Pack 'n Play or on the floor with a few toys. Get them started playing and when they are happily distracted, go make dinner. I eventually had Matthew trained to play for 30-40 minutes while I cooked. Then he wanted to to be held, but by gently easing my self away from the kids when they were happy and safe, I could take care of my needs.

Putting the Kids on a Schedule

It can be harder to get kids on a regular schedule if they are nursing. The milk is more easily digested than formula and they get hungry sooner. A baby may eat every hour and a half or every three hours. When I am hungry, I eat. Why would I do anything less for my child?

I have not found it necessary to keep my kids on a strict schedule. If I needed an hour to teach a class or go to a meeting, I would hold off on feeding the baby for 30 minutes or so and comfort them in other ways, then feed them right before I needed to leave. They were pretty flexible because they were not on a strict schedule and I did not need them on one.

They also napped just about anywhere. I could go about my daily life and know they would get a full nap in the car while we ran errands if needed.

Will My Methods Work for Everyone?

No.

It is that simple.

I have found what works for me. I feel like my kids are well-behaved in most situations. Are they perfect? NO! They are kids. My kids are independent and social. They are smart. They are kind. They are loved. They are happy.

Is my way the only way to parent? No. I do what works for me and you do what works for you. I have seen so many blog posts this week where moms are saying the same thing. They feel like they are being judged by other moms or that other moms feel judged by their choices.

It is hard enough to be a mom. We all compare ourselves to others. We all probably do judge each other a little bit. It may only be in your head; we do it to justify our own choices. When we have "professionals" who are uninformed about our choices and methods, it undermines the confidence we have and can lead to more judgement from ourselves and others.

Keep doing what works for you. "The proof is in the pudding." If your kids are growing up to be who you want them to be, be confident that you are doing what is right for YOUR family and best for YOUR children.

If you want to know more about what attachment parenting is and isn't, Dr. Sears' website is very informative.